05 November 2010

I miss you so much Andrew

It's been a little over a month since Andrew's accident and in some ways it still does not seem real.  Life moves on, and some days are better than others.  But this afternoon I was reading back through all the things I have written and posted over the last month, all the way back to the first post, and I just started crying again.  Today is a rough day for me.  I'm hurting physically and emotionally.  I miss my son.

Andrew was not my biological son, but when I asked Tracy to marry me, I insisted that I would treat Andrew and Elizabeth as my own.  I have tried to do my best to do exactly that.  Maybe we didn't have the traditional father-son relationship, and we certainly didn't always see eye-to-eye, but he was as much my son as I could ever ask for.  Andrew went to Penn State games with me, to NASCAR races, and camping in the middle of nowhere.  He was "the man of the house" when I was overseas.  Andrew always called me Mike, and I was cool with that, but sometimes to his friends he referred to me as his Dad.  That was cooler.

As the initial shock of it all begins to wear off, it's all the little things that keep coming back.  Whenever we ordered out, we always ordered extra food because Andrew would eventually scarf it up.  A cake wouldn't last overnight, and he drank sodas like water.  Now, we still have the leftover food, the cake is still in the pan, and there are plenty of sodas left.

Andrew lost his license last year so we had to shuttle him around everywhere; work, friends, skate park.  It was annoying at times, especially since losing his license was his own fault, but I would drive him to Wal Mart every day for the rest of my life if I could have him back.

Andrew was always misplacing his house keys, and sometimes I would inadvertently lock the back door while he was still out.  He would climb up to our bedroom window and tap on it until we woke up.  It always made me mad when he did that, but I would do anything to hear him tapping on the window again.  Sometimes I hesitate before I lock the back door because I think for a minute that Andrew might come home soon.

As much as I like to tinker with things and figure out how they work, I have never been much of a "Mr. Fix It."  That was Andrew's job, always willing to climb the ladder to fix something on the roof or the shed, or bending and contorting his body to fit into some tight space that mine would get stuck in, or helping to put toys together for Chloe and Michael. Now, I'm still not any good at fixing things.

I'll have more on this when I can release more details, but lately I am trying to focus on working with my State Senator and State Delegates here in Maryland to strengthen the pathetically weak "manslaughter by vehicle" statute in the next legislative session.  I've already contacted them and we're setting up an early December meeting.  I hope that we can get something drafted; and then I will ask those of you in Maryland to contact your own State Senator and State Delegates and urge them to co-sponsor and/or support it, too.

I miss you so much Andrew, and if it's the last thing I do, I will get justice for you.
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